A few things I’ve learned about life at college.

1. Never ask questions, just follow people that look like they know what they’re doing. Even if you don’t end up in the right place you’ll atleast end up somewhere.

2. When throwing a party, always have a surplus of toilet paper in the bathroom. People will use your good bath towels to wipe up their various excrements. Actually, on second thought, it’s probably a good idea to just hide the towels.

3. People say they always want to meet people and make new friends, but instead they will walk around with headphones on wherever they go so no one will try to talk to them.

4. Being prepared for absolutely anything is always a good idea. Just because it was hot and sunny when you left home this morning doesn’t mean it’s not going to drench you in typhoon-like rain on your way back. I also discovered it can still rain even if its sunny and it looks like there’s no clouds in the sky.

5. No one really cares about sports. College athletics are just another excuse for people to spend an entire day getting wasted. The few people who do actually care about sports don’t seem to realize that they’re a minority.

6. If it’s not deadly, and it’s being offered to you, try it atleast once or everyone will think you’re a pretentious douche. This goes for a lot of things, actually. Free food, free drugs, pretty much anything free. Going to social events also applies. What’s the harm in trying it if you’re gonna be fine afterward? You can’t truly judge something that you’ve never tried.

7. Nevermind, everyone’s going to think you’re a douche anyways. Well, maybe not everyone. But at some point, no matter how neutral and bland you might try to be, someone’s going to irrationally dislike you.

8. Regularly question what you think. You’ve always hated pepperoni pizza? Try it again. You’ve never really been fond of racquetball? Get some friends together and play for a while (worst case scenario: You still hate it but atleast you got to pelt your friends with little rubber balls). You’ve been on a strict health-food-only diet for 11 years? Go eat a fucking fruit roll-up, bitch.

9. Duct tape, rubber bands, and safety pins/thumbtacks are all you ever need for home repairs. If you’ve ever lived in a crappy dorm or apartment, you should already know this.

10. You can never have enough friends. Think of it this way: every friend you make is one less possible enemy you might have. Friends make life bearable, and the more you have the more likely you are to never have to be alone (except when you want to be, of course).